Zach Galifianakis

Get that smile off your face, you're freaking me out.

Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?

We share a vagina.

No need to resist the magic of Lithium, I know. We should sprinkle it's salty goodness over the fries at McDonald's until we're Dawn of the Dead drooling towards Banana Republic, pushing our carts, dazed, through the market, throwing the meat in, black blood pooling under so much plastic.

Bring your brooms because it's a mess.

If you don't like waffles, don't eat waffles!!!!

If you don't like waffles, don't eat waffles!

Then don't take me too a waffle house!!!!!!!!!

Then don't take me too a waffle house!

I once ate a foot long corn dog on a nude beach.... I'll never do that again.

My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!

I cant beleve my daddy is dead. I can think of so many pepole who could of died first........... like my mother.

I cant beleve my daddy is dead. I can think of so many pepole who could of died first. Like my mother.

when a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

I got this strange email the other day, I didn't know what it meant, but now I think it might be from Chow.

"Fatty, it feels good to be out, I'm close by, tell no one, I'll be in touch. -Chow" This says Chow! How did you not know this was from Chow?

At the time, I thought was "Chow" like "goodbye"

I got this strange email the other day, I didn't know what it meant, but now I think it might be from Chow.

(reads email) "Fatty, it feels good to be out, I'm close by. Tell no one, I'll be in touch. - Chow" This says Chow, how did you not know this was from Chow?

"Fatty, it feels good to be out, I'm close by. Tell no one, I'll be in touch. - Chow" This says Chow, how did you not know this was from Chow?

At the time I thought it was "chow" like "good bye."

can I ask you another question?

Can I ask you another question?

Sure.

you probably get this a lot. This isn't real Caesars Palace. is it?

You probably get this a lot. This isn't real Caesars Palace. is it?

What do you mean?

did ummm, did Caesar live here?

Did ummm, did Caesar live here?

Ummm, no.

I didn't think so.

Dad, if you're still holdin' a grudge because I wore crocs to Mom's funeral, like I've told a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would have wanted it that way. She was casual.

I'm gonna roll up my sleeves, put my sandwich in my lunch pail, and grab my broom. Cause it's a MESS.

I'm gonna roll up my sleeves, put my sandwich in my lunch pail, and grab my broom. Cause it's a mess.

Hey, Travis, you tired this mornin'?

Nope just high.

Hate to break it to you, friend, thought your balloon's gettin' ready to pop.

Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore crocs to Mom's funeral, like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would have wanted it that way. She was casual.

I put a firefly in my butthole

I put a firefly in my butt-hole.

Why?

So I could see my farts glow

So I could see my farts glow.

It's not a purse. It's a sachel. Besides, Indiana Jones has one.

If I had known you'd be proud of me, I would have shot someone sooner!

I'm going to roll up my sleeves, put my sandwich in my lunch pail, and grab my broom. Cause it's a MESS!

Push it? Push it real good?

We have 49 days before this district of 700,000 people decides if they like you or not. Right now, your likability is at 26 percent. The focus group words that come up for you are â??odd', 'clammy', 'probably Serbianâ?¦â??

We have 49 days before this district of 700,000 people decides if they like you or not. Right now, your likability is at 26 percent. The focus group words that come up for you are odd', 'clammy', 'probably Serbian.

That's an old one.

'He looks like the Travelocity gnome.'

What?!

"Hey Travis, you tired this morning?"

Hey Travis, you tired this morning?

"Nope just high."

Nope just high.

One time, I put a firefly up my butthole.

Why would you do that?

To make my farts glow.

Can't, now thats the real 'c' word.

If you get my son to call you daddy, then I f**k your wife!

I spiked them with muscle relaxer's, and my A.D.H.D. medication

I spiked them with muscle relaxer's, and my A.D.H.D. medication.

Why can't we remember ANYTHING that happened last night?

That's one of the side-effects of Roofies. Memory loss.

You are literally too stupid to insult.

Thank you.

It's my sunglasses okay?

Are my glasses okay?

Your sunglasses are okay, dick.

There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

A minute ago my pants were down, and now I'm a congressman. Normally it's the other way around.

Hey, after this are you gonna get aftershave or toilet paper because your face is like an ass...

Hate to break it to you friend, but your balloon's about to pop. And that balloon's filled with your own butt toots.

"hmmm, I smell something familiar, something dangerous, something breakfast-y"

Hmmm, I smell something familiar, something dangerous, something breakfast-y.

"It's been a long time brother."

It's been a long time brother.

"Maldito Huevo!"

Maldito Huevo!

I got a question. You probably get this a lot; this isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it?

What do you mean?

Um...Did Caesar live here?

Uh, no.

Didn't think so...

Hate to break it to you friend, though your balloon's getting ready to pop.

I despise who you are on a cellular level.

Okay, I've heard that before and I'm trying to work on it.

BARRY. Tell us why your wife left you.

(mumbles)

[mumbles]

Louder, Barry.

I lost her clitoris

I lost her clitoris.

You lost her what?

I told her it was probably in her purse...........

I told her it was probably in her purse...

No, Barry, do you know what a clitoris is?

I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

What if, when we took on that kraut ship, we didn't sink 'em? What if... they sunk us?

Oh, that's a good twist.

Do you know where were going?

Please address me as captain.

Oh fuck you Alan. Do you know where were going captain?

Not at the table Carlos!

Not at the table, Carlos!

First my monkey, then my hat...How much more worse, can this day get?

You are not my friend anymore Alan!

Not even in America?

I am sorry guys! This is not part of our plan..

She's wearing my grandmother's holocaust ring i was going to give to melissa!

The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa. You remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring.

I didn't know they give out rings at the holocaust...

I didn't know they give out rings at the Holocaust...

Why does everybody forget about Hobo Joe?

[In girly voice] Why don't you get things started?

i smell something...familiar... something dangerous... something breakfasty...

I smell something...familiar... something dangerous... something breakfasty...

Its been a long time brother

It's been a long time brother.

marvito uero'... Humpty alexander dumpty? how dare you show your face to me!

Marvito uero'... Humpty alexander dumpty? how dare you show your face to me!

Maldito huevo, Humpty Alexander Dumpty? How dare you show your face to me!

he really enjoyed coffee & in the end he was enjoyed as coffee.. kind of circle of life.

He really enjoyed coffee & in the end he was enjoyed as coffee.. kind of circle of life.

[while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?

Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?

I shouldn't be here.

Why is that, Alan?

I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school...or a Chuck E. Cheese.

''All hail the hobo king!''

All hail the hobo king!

"Man this 3D is incredible!"

Man this 3D is incredible!

im kinda confused

I'm kinda confused.

i made love to a man with boobies

I made love to a man with boobies.

This is nice isn't it? The three of us back together again?

Oh God

Oh God.

"What am I invisible?"

What am I invisible?

Five bucks to show you where your seat is! Thank you! It's..um..down there somewhere.

From this day froth, it shall be known...

Never alone. Always together.

Humpty and Puss...

(at the same time) Together forever.

[at the same time] Together forever.

(at the same time)Together forever.

[at the same time Together forever.

"Why does everyone always forget about Hobo Joe!"

Why does everyone always forget about Hobo Joe!

What about Hobo Joe? Why doesn't anyone remember Hobo Joe?

Do you have any idea what they do o eggs in San Ricardo Prison? Well, I'll tell you one thing; it ain't over easy.

Ohhh

Ohhh.

Nice jump phil!

Nice jump Phil!

Here's your tickets. Your seats are...somewhere.

Here's your tickets. Your seats are... somewhere.

I don't get it. Is this a magic show?

I don't get it, is this a magic show?

Hey, guys, when's the next Halley's Comet?

I dunno. Not for like, another 80 years.

But it's not tonight, is it?

NO.

Something breakfest-y.

It's been a long time brother.

Embarrassed? I'm not.

Embarrassed? I'm not.

(from trailer) You got any idea what they do to eggs in prison? I'll tell you this. It ain't over easy.

[from trailer] You got any idea what they do to eggs in prison? I'll tell you this. It ain't over easy.

I'm with you I'm with you!

I'm with you, I'm with you!

You gonna fuck on me?

Nobody's gonna fuck on you, we're on your side. I hate Godzilla, I hate him too. I hate him. He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault, alright? I'll get you some pants. OW!

What the FUCK was that?!

I have internal bleeding.

That was some fucked up shit.

Not at the Table Carlos!

Not at the table Carlos!

I didn't know they gave out rings at during Halocaust?

I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Hey there are skittles in there!!!!

Hey! There were skittles in there!

You better check yourself, before you wreck yourself

You better check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

Ok, I've calmed down abit

You ready to apologies?

What? Fuck you!

You and his wife exchange e-mails?

You and his wife exchange emails?

Yeah

Yeah.

What else do you exchange? Body fluids?

Dad, you were like a father to me.

Of course I know who Shakespeare is. He was a famous pirate. And by they way, It's Shakesbeard.

You gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy.

Oh yeah? Well we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a reh-tard

What?

He was a reh-tard.

Retard.

Counting cards is a foolproof system.

It's also illegal.

It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

VEGAS! VEGAS, BABY! VEGAS!

Oh, no, we can't park here.

Why not?

I can't go within 200 feet of any school. Or a Chuck E. Cheese

I can't go within 200 feet of any school. Or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey everybody, here’s some fun facts. The population in Thailand if 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It’s chief exports are textiles, footwear and rice. Each year, approximately 13,00 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand…

Hey everybody, here's some fun facts. The population in Thailand if 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear and rice. Each year, approximately 13,00 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand…

Oh my god. Alan, your head!

No, YOUR head.

No, your head.

Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom!

Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.

I'm a stay at home son.

When monkey nibbles on a penis.. itz funny in any language..

When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

I've got a demon in me.

There's a demon in me.

It's true, he has semen in him.

Hey, Phil, look.

He's jackin' his little weenis.

Not at the table baby!

[stops the baby] Not at the table.

im sorry is this a magic show?

Is this a magic show?

"We live an alternative lifestyle."

We live an alternative lifestyle.

What is this,a P.F Changs?

What is this a P.F. Chang's?

I'm a stay-at-home son.

PIG!

I don't get it. Is this a magic show?

A monkey nibbling on a Penis is funny in any language

When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

Thats supposed to be done by a Registered Nurse .

That's supposed to be done by a registered nurse.

Im a Nurse . Just not Registered .

I am a nurse, I' m just not registered.

I am a nurse, I'm just not registered.

(to mother) And would a cupcake kill you?!?!

(to mother) Would a cupcake kill ya?

How dare you, she's a nice lady!

"What is this a magic show?"

What is this, a magic show?

Oh wait, next weeks not so good, the Jonas brothers are in town.

Oh wait, next weeks no good for me, the Jonas brothers are in town.